I remember back in my youth hearing that the divorce rate in the United States was about 30%. I was well aware of divorce because my parents had divorced early, even before I was able to recognize who my parents were in relation to me. This fact became clear to me when I was a Boy Scout being raised by a single parent. It felt extremely “odd man out” going to Scout meetings back then and being the only boy in the room without a dad present. The parents of the other Scouts would always ask without fail, “where is your dad?” Then in my mid 20s, I noted through news sources that the divorce rated had increased to over 50%. And now since the 2000s, the divorce rate is well above 60% in most states and in a few states it is 70%. On the other hand, in cultures and countries where a person’s spouse is selected through an arrangement by the parents, the rate of divorce is much lower.
Why does the arranged marriage appear to be working out so much better by percentage than the self elected version of mate selection? Do our parents really know what’s best for us even when we become adults? This comparison raises a question in regard to — what is the point of marriage and why do we marry? In the book of Genesis found in the Christian Bible, the marriage relationship was specifically purposeful. In fact, the idea of love and romance is not as prominent as the integrity of the arrangement. Jacob fell in love with the physical beauty of Rachel, but an arrangement was made for him to first marry her sister Leah because she was the oldest. Later, new testament writers such as the apostle Paul said, husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and died for it. Dying for your wife is substantially more valuable than romancing her and you can be certain if a woman was given a choice between being romanced and staying alive — she’s going to pick staying alive every time with the thought that she could find romantic love later on. We can deduct from addressing the subject of love in general that sacrificial love is held in higher esteem than romantic love.
Pastors Andre Green, Mt. Carmel Baptist Church, Oakland, CA and Ulis Redic, Mt. Zion Baptist Church, Richmond, CA have long elevated the idea of sacrificial love in the marital union. They whole heartedly believe it’s an essential component of a marriage as commanded by GOD for men to adhere to according to the scriptures. There is no equality in this principle — men are to be exceedingly more sacrificial than women. The sacrificial love of a man is purposeful in the way that the sacrificial love of Christ is purposeful to the sinner who embraces the love of God. Recall in John 3:16 in the New Testament, “For GOD so love the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” GOD sending His son to die for unbelievers was a love arrangement that establishes an eternal relationship.
One thing young couples overlook when considering marriage is the amount of function that is inherent to a marital union versus love and romance, a point Pastor Dwayne Fisher, Galilee Baptist Church, San Francisco CA has championed in marital counseling discussions. “The marriage relationship is exponentially more functional than it is romantic,” says Fisher. Someone has to take out garbage, change the bed linen, go to a job, pay the electric bill, wash the dishes, plunge the toilet, change the light bulb, wash and dry the clothes, shop for groceries, cook, vacuum, take the car to the repair shop, iron clothes, and the list goes on. Romance most often is at the end of that list. We often say relationships fail because of a communication problems between couples. To some extent that may be true, but an even deeper assessment might reveal that relationships end because our partner doesn’t do the FUNCTIONS well. Our marital partner chooses to tell us a lie rather than do the function of being loyal. If our partners deviate too many times from any of the approved functions that couples aspire to, everything about the relationship is called into question. Fisher believes as pastors – we should tell young people that marriages are more functional than romantic, so no one is surprised when they encounter tough times.
The best arranged marriage is a relationship GOD arranges. The LORD should be at the center of a relationship between a man and woman. Rushing into intimacy is like cooking and eating the dessert first then cooking the substantive and nutritious meal afterward. Pastors at the EZ2GET2.Church are available to offer marital advice from biblical perspective.
